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Mar. 6th, 2006 | 05:54 am
mood: thoughtful thoughtful

I've been reading journal entries of my past, of my friends and talking to a friend of mine about love and relationships tonight. It kinda made me start thinking.

Love is tricky. In my case, I still love said boy. He still loves me. and its the most outrageous weird relationship ive ever been in. Some days I fuckin hate his guts for not being with me. And I want to tell him (and have told him) that if he loved me, he would be with me. Then, on some days, or whenever i express myself to him, he tells me things will work out, we get in an intense conversation and I realize ive never loved this much in my life.

IF you are in a relationship, you tend to go with feelings instead of thinking with your heart. When I was with zach, he was bad for me. Jay, was bad for me. Aaron, bad for me. Justin Malachi, great for me... but i threw all that away for my own selfish pride. I wanted it all, and I broke hearts for it. If i would have it to do again, I would.

In relationships, you take advantages of simple pleasures. Those little kisses, the smiles, the cuddling, and well, the sex. Not to mention, having someone there for you at all fuckin times. THAT is something that friends dont give you.

I've got a bunch of friends. Im friendly, I dont dislike anyone (well, theres that supervisor at work, but shes a bitch anyway). And I needed a TRUE fuckin friend and NO ONE could pull through for me.

I got drugged at the bar on friday. Theres about a 6 hour period I dont remember. I do remember waking up in my car.... freezing cold... not knowing how I got there. I DID have outgoing text messages trying to get ahold of people to come pick me up, or give me a place to stay.

I didnt drink too much. I was sober and completely confident that I could have made it home. I remember dancing with my ex and his new girlfriend, talking to some guy and him bringing me back a drink. THE ONLY DRINK ALL NIGHT that i didnt go to the bar and get with the person. And that was where i went wrong. the next thing i know... its 7 am and im waking up in my car.

I called people i knew werent at work. I called people i knew that lived around there. I fuckin called mosh pit pete. And you KNOW im fuckin desperate if i call to have him come get me.

It kinda makes me sick that the people i called and texted couldnt pull through for me. The people I was there with had to leave at 330. I dont remember them leaving. I asked what happened to them. Turns out, they had to leave and I cussed one of my best friends out hardcore. Saying I hated him, that i hope he goes to hell and that we werent friends anymore.


I'm a smart girl. Independant. Confident. And I have ccommon sence. But the one time I fuck up is a time where I cant control my bodily functions?

When I woke up at 7, I couldnt feel anything in my body. I was numb, painless. I was probably one of the greatest highs anyone could EVER fuckin ask for. And I dont do drugs... never touched ANY... so you know I wasnt asking for it.

Ok.... thats enough about my weekend.
I know I dont update enough. So you probably wanna know what the fuck ive been doing with my time.

well, I've still been working at UPS. I NEED ANOTHER FUCKIN JOB. I've had 2 good leads on better jobs. Bellsouth and Cub bank. But im still not hired. GRR

I did have a job at a ice cream store. But I decided not to take it for a few reasons. 1- id have to deal with people, and people are generally stupid. 2- Id have to take out my lip ring.

I'm still doing photos for bands. False and subrosa mainly. Arafel is fuckin amazing. Intent to Kill is amazing. Prey for maria is amazing. Arcane saint, red hand release, caldera, halfway hollow, institution.

Gosh... I miss a simpler life. I miss Simplicity itself. I hate love, and all the feelings and confusion that goes along with it. I love boys, I love flirting, I love love... but DAMN IT do boys have to play with your emotions.

This boy and I are hanging out soon... like this week. And I know he wont read this. But he BETTER fuckin believe that we will be talking. And i'll be spilling out my heart again.

Ok... I said enough of that already.

I've been talking to an old friend of mine. I think we may go get tattooed together.

I'm going to get a decayed heart... with a possible IV running to it, marked with "time/love/or wait"
and around it... its gonna say "you can't help who you love, you aren't supposed to" or just "you cant help who you love"

Any ideas on the tattoo... help me out <3

Anyway... this is long. I'm boring.

Leave me comments.

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Comments {6}


From: sexual_stephenr
Date: Mar. 6th, 2006 04:02 pm (UTC)

So...I'm not sure really where you went. I never see you online anymore, I never see you at all anymore...period.

I miss you. You never come to any of our shows anymore....you were intent on Crimson Cloud shows....I don't know if that was a Geoff Dewitt thing or not...but either way...we miss ya darlin' We miss the pictures, we miss the hugs, and we miss the smiling face. I hope you come to Evansville with us on the 17th....if anything, just to spend some time with us, hang, and celebrate jarod's birthday.

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a beautiful stranger

From: tva4god
Date: Mar. 6th, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC)

I miss you guys too. I'm never really on messengers anymore... my laptop only has yahoo.

But It wasnt because of geoff... crimson cloud was my band. Now, theres a couple bands up here that I got shit to do for.

besides, you guys have a huge crowd at every show... you cant miss me that much.

And you have people who take pictures for you anyway.

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From: toxicxdreamsx
Date: Mar. 6th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC)

if you had my phone number, and if i had a car.. It would of been ok! wait.. fuck i was drunk that night too.. <3


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a beautiful stranger

From: tva4god
Date: Mar. 6th, 2006 11:27 pm (UTC)

yeah man... it was rough.

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From: o6willy6wonka6o
Date: Mar. 7th, 2006 01:18 am (UTC)

That sucks that all that happened. WHo all did you call? U didnt call me.

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a beautiful stranger

From: tva4god
Date: Mar. 7th, 2006 02:32 am (UTC)

you were at work.
I called some friends i thought lived out there (jaden, dj, matt, ash, pete)
I dont remember who else, id have to go through my phone.

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